The Flower That Shattered the Stone
An Atmosphere of social harmony
The most beautiful of landscapes are best seen while looking down above them. To feel the depth of an ocean of sky and sand with your eyes is an inexplicable feeling.
As I sat there foremost of anyone else, I realized that they all knew you differently. They were your friends, they were your customers, they were your lovers...I was your brother and I could think of nothing short of dreadful, depressing, mournful things. This is not to say that I did not love you, I just knew you differently. Ever since I was five I have heard the stories of how you are the reason I exist. I would imagine that if the roles were reversed you would have much more affectionate memories to share about me. You were 12 years older than I was and you had your own life to lead; I don't blame you for the things you did and I have never held them against you. For as long as I can remember I have thought of your actions as hurtful towards the people that we mutually love; from our parents to your children. I have tried to instill my ideology back into these people, but now that you're gone I think it will be more difficult in your absence than I ever believed it to be in your presence.
A gray ambient light completely surrounds the dreamer as he imagines himself at the apogee. To others it would appear that he is subdued, regressed, or nearly lifeless. In these moments he sees himself in a teetering position; half a step from complete despair, but inches away from a smile that brings him back to having the choice to decide when he is ready to culminate. In this moment he is reminded of the words of Kierkegaard: "complete despair is precisely the inability to die." His decision to smile causes him to suffer softly because he knows that he now must try to build his own home. For so many years he has been homesick for a place that never existed save for one instant in his mind.
He would lie there longer if that which he referred to as himself would allow him more time. Perhaps he doesn't quite yet understand how much control he has. Perhaps he and the God have more in common than would be realized; unaware that their actions carry more weight than either is prepared to deal with.
There are so many places that pride themselves in being the same as everything around them We seem to have this idea, especially in the land of free expression, that everyone has the "right" way and then we accept everything else. And this explanation really closes off other possibilities, even though it may seem that we are being open. I think language is really what is evolving here, the terms are the same but the language is different. This shift, this almost evolution of language is largely attributed to the booming impact of the Internet. The overflow of information has reduced our mental stimulus to that of a sound byte. It's peoples willingness to give up opportunities to some mental distraction that may be most easily described as a con-artist. This entity that is the media is a system of complacency, of control. Almost daily there are people that celebrate sin and licentiousness, and I certainly don't think that it is something we should ignore or overlook or even not embrace as a culture; but we seem to all to often lavish in it. To be fair most of us don't know what is going on, I certainly don't claim to. But that only tells us that what the media is doing is working. It is making us feel small, feel frightened teaching us that it is better to live in the moment instead planning for the future. Showing us, over time, that perhaps those in power should just stay there and we, the rest of society, should all simply hope for the best.
It only takes a moment to remember, but a lifetime to forget. The age of innocence is lost the day that you realize that all the beauty and hope in the world can be taken away by the very people that taught you it existed in the first place. I suppose for most it may happen right around puberty. The world we live in is only as real as we believe ourselves to be. Once one understands the dualistic nature of the world the possibility of being irrevocably happy is poised with utter tumourulousness. The word happy is a verb, it is a state of being which further implies that it is subjective. So much to the point that one may never fully understand how great it may be, and only know of it as an expression depicting a higher level of depression. No one will ever truly be able to understand another. The barrier of language prevents it. It makes use of vestigial words that we conjure to explain emotions that we ourselves do not fully understand.
Drifting memories of light and historical happiness pass the junction of imagination and dream. They linger only long enough to remind of any other day
After escaping what may have been a cell (probably of my own design) we wandered through an open dinning hall, and after walking past my brother, I rushed to him. He noticed that I noticed him, and although I had expected him to second glance, I knew that he wouldn't. She asked me in a slow voice, "so when did you figure it out?"I told her I thought it was when I saw the Heineken, but I knew that wasn't true. It had been since I noticed the toilets hanging on the walls in the bathroom. They both then asked, if perhaps I was drunk and this isn't real. I said I know this is real, but also inside a dream. Both said something...I can't quite place it. But later I wrote this down (in my dream) so as not to forget.
The following is a collection of notes and conjecture between myself and me over the past month or so. Keep in mind that all is what I have learned in the past and what my ideas about it are.
The seasons change as the daylight dims; what shall I think as the lights go down? I seem to think that pointing my finger to the distant empty space will give me a sense of calming, when it only makes me realize how alone I am, and how strong that makes me. Sometimes I tend to forget about the ones inside me that give me life. The ones I have conjured to force out my narcissism, and stifle my ego. Melting me up from the ground and capturing my own reflection; the likes of whom I have never seen before, and yet feel a sense of belonging to that I would have never felt otherwise. It's the journey that makes the destination possible.
Bliss comes in far too few fashions to be able to recognize it before it's on top of you. When the door opens and the lips on your face keep in stride with the moment, you know that it has you. You're not quite sure how it crept up on you like it did; being caught in the mystery makes it what it is. And though as it has happened before you can never quite duplicate it, this humbles you and forces you to see that this moment is still happening, and though more will follow, this one is happening now.
As my life jostles methodically out of control and I do things to fuel fleeting emotions to feel sane if only for a moment; I can't help but smile. I am more outside myself than I have ever had the courage to be on my own merit, and yet I feel that I am seeing myself through the eyes of someone else that I have become. It's as if I have turned into the stranger I had projected myself to be. This seemingly forced harmony humbles me in knowing that I will emerge from the ashes of myself
She cuts an eye to the corner of your face, and crimps a post humorous smile. She rants about her life, and you can't help but grin. A glimmering diamond holds closed the door through which you wish to peer. She may tell you of a place that exists that draws water to your tongue She'll tells you of this place only enough to make you knock, but not to let you in. She'll make you lighten your senses, to let you know she's really there. You may bite your lip in anticipation to nibble hers; as this connects you to something you cannot express to even yourself. The skin gives a sensation of warmth and unsteady breathing as you skim your fingers across her cheek. She gasps slightly to let you know its o.k. It forces your secret smile that you hide, but hope she sees.
Memories, the past, the now, if only. I searched myself for answers to what I was doing, and from what I expected to realize out of this dismal encounter with the past. My mind knew where I was but my body felt at home. Destined to pass by the mistakes as if to taunt my emotion. I could see him lying atop black mirrors and reflecting his life to everyone willing to see. He was thin, stretched; I thought to run for help, but I felt to run for fear. As thoughts of the present rushed through my mind, I realized this was the chance that I gave up on, this is the time to pursue; for him, for now, for me. Even now I imagine heat passing from the room, the convulsion of his chest and words that would have response only in my mind. I am so scared. I am so proud of you.
{keep in mind this a representation of experiences, both mine and from converstaions had with my family before, during, and after}
All my feelings are coming out at once from the center of my earth, they mimic the intensions of lightning in that they have little direction. the Confusion that sets in feels like it should belong to another family down the hall. This moment has been anticipated with time against time. And when all that's left to do is reflect on what has happened; in these moments there seems to be the presence of an energy that never left or came. The decisive call of an eternal love coincides with our own absolutions. The sudden arrival and return of family to share experiences and lend hearts to one another; these are the sage like moments are what separate this particular season
I put off writing this for so long, as it would be a more finalized medium of acceptance. My father will be the world to me from the moment that I could understand others outside myself until I am resuscitated by what captures the essence of us all. I see now that the doors to that place are always open, that it is the rooms themselves that are forever changing. In what ever way we chose to observe the world around us; it alters what defines our eternity.
My weary eyes will still, at times, stray to the horizon and in a sleep walking stance descend this road I've been on so many times. The grass will seem different then, this house, this life, this light will seem to have changed, but I will forever know that the change has not come from these things, but that it has come from within me. And on nights of wonder I will be comforted by the friends around me, and the life that I have made because of the obstacles I have endured from both the time I spent with my father and the time that he lived in the space between family and friends. I believe that if my father had a choice then he chose no better time to ascend.
I see it in the memories of lives to come; what can simply be described as happenings not tied to emotional belonging. For someone who does not believe they belong to this mass, connections have yet still been drawn. And because of this things that seemed trite once are now bold in comparison. In finding yourself, one commonly continues the search far after it is found. The ideology of that in which one surrounds themselves, tends to be mistaken for his own ethos. Although fore-mentioned the credibility of oneself only looses out to the untrusted unconsciousness.
It's amazing to know that as a kid my thirst for questions was fueled by an idea that I had no concept of but would be lead to by the answers. I can remember wondering why I couldn't simply submit to the ritualistic routine around me. Even now, although not totally so, I am blind from the light. And although I believe to have more answers now than I did in the past, it is that I simply have more idiosyncrasies that I believe to be "growth." Once a question is posed the journey cannot simply be ended; it must be endured for the bodhi will be obtained either after the separation, or may be obcurred and utilized during ones life.
As I sat in class I remember thinking that I had a speech to give today. And even though I wasn't prepared, I knew I would be able to get through it. I asked to accuse myself for a few minutes so that I could run to my room for props. She agreed, and as I was leaving I kept thinking that I would use the demonstration from my other class. As I tired desperately to return to class on time I ran in just as the bell rang, and I had missed my opportunity...to cheat.
Ideas that come in the still of the instance; those holy moments that seem to last just as long. They are the briefest of times and yet it is within those very moments that allows for the concept of enlightenment. The hope that one day it will be possible to manifest them consistently and with control.
Does spacetime really effect us on a personal level? Am I seeing life through my eyes alone? Or is it a collection of thoughts and understandings based on the few generations that have been quaint enough to affect me?
A thing lasts only as long as people remember it. Interesting that history is supposed to re-teach us what has been...only we choose to accept our own brash divinity over the mistakes of the past. Beneath my self indulgent hole, I may find comfort...how pitiful. To know that my thoughts are simply instances of aberation fills me with excitment. A million light reflections pass over and could be absorbed with an instance of thought. Just have to let the light touch you, supported by any mentionable phrase. How we've survived so misguided is a mystery. It seems that with every passing day most of what is going down is a lie and all that is being erected are more mirrors. It should be easy to consider it finished....and flush it all away, but they've got me trapped within the shackles of myself. But I fear that to state the obvious is a downfall of my own design. I know that I exist on forty six and one, and this conceptual proof has been enough to provoke thought from the levels 1-3 of my existence, and will undoubtably continue to fuel my existentialistic points.
The dream has not changed in the years gone by. The longing for a sitty shack or a lonley bungalow in a place not only shared in memories. A place with skies like the sea after a storm has not been lossed to the gallows of time. The dim lighting of the fireplace hue mixed with the glow of parchment against the eyes of a quiet intellect. There the neighbors are not neighbors, but brethren whose company is welcomed while sipping the Grey. There exists no smiley glad-hands or objective seekers. The conversations that are had are more than simple chit chat, more promising and rejoiced than anything else that would make us penatant of the moment. The walls are filed with knowledge and experiences from those of the past. Nourishment of the four is abundant in only necessary quantities. The passage of time is seen through the vicariousness of the weather, and so much is experienced beside it.
I've had to meditate with palms on my face more often. To leave it to the womb of time only leaves confusion in it's wake. I've been trying to feel motivation. It's not that it's getting easy by any means, but maybe it's getting more convenient. I'm hastend by the idea that I may have to begin again from the beginning sooner that I had anticipated. I had hoped that I could pull the halo off myself. I may be more than just a little curious to see how it all falls. It's nice to know, at least, that I'll be there when it happens this time.
While gazing into the blissful night, it was realized that a recolection once heard is turning out to be true. Man wants chaos, in fact he can't live without it. For one, who is not fully enlightend, the wallowing of a self lies within his required depression. For as bright as he may believe himself to be he must first realize that this light is not his own, that he is but a transciever of that light. He will absorb only what he surrounds himself with. And will reflect everything he is, including that which he does not know nor understand. As a person seeking samahdi it has become apparent that in order to understand anything it is first necessary to inwardly seek themselves. To peer past the inhibitions of a persons mind and body. Only then will they see that it is not world that is complex, it is themselves.
To dream would be the greatest adventure. This time should have been spent for that, instead it was spent dwindling the mind. It's possible you know. We are capable of all that technology has masked around us. I need to be at my center to find it. I need a nudge. Realization is reached only after confrontation. I should be able to use this to my advantage, but I'm too afraid of the journey. I guess you could call that life. I'm afraid to prove it to myself. I can see what's out there through the window, but to open the door is too difficult, I'm far to comfortable here in my bubble.
Time is the fire in which we burn. Although it could be said that time is not simply the chariot on which the Reaper rides, but that it is more of a companion that comes with us on the journey reminding us of what we have accomplished or haven't. This is an interesting thought because it deomstrates that because something can be looked upon in several different ways it will always mean something different to someone else.
Only when the time is right. Who am I? How will I ever know if I always run for cover? I have been shown love at times throughout my life. Once it was new and couldn't be lived without. Then I was shown it like a dime-store hooker. I hope I'm there to see it when time and I shake hands and say goodbye.
With insomnia you never worry about falling asleep, you worry about waking up. Emotions flood you. It's easy to let them overtake you. In fact it can sometimes be blissful Always too afraid to be weak, too proud to be strong. Somehow we have to make our own way in this pre-decided world we are bred into. It would be much more simple to let it flow. Once a question is posed it stops you from going back the way you came. For years it seems to fit and for years it seems to be broken. And through the years we all still seem to remain quintessentially ourselves. How does this work? Are we all this, jung? The key is not to care what people say and instead realize that they are all just as much apart of you as you are of them. Some in passing while others can be remembered with that smile.
not until tomorrow will this be true, that means I have until then to live. No. I said until then. Now can you see that I have endured it all. Now can you see, I love and will love forever. I know that you can only feel in waves. I see that it is has ahold of you, only then will it unfold to be more than what you see. I wish I could see more but she will only be here until now. Yes Can you push me? can you see it here, from my perspective? I'm lying here looking to the above and seeing only....nothin.
God given and man wasted. Feelings to be felt to be real to be heard to be shared to be lived. Opinions of this place are everything, I want to expose my soul to the globe, J. I can either help or watch if fall on cnn. You are never alone man, there are more of us out there than either of us know. But we are still small. Will they ever get it right Karl? Not with this compass. Why is it always line-of-site with them? Isolation: I need to find myself before I can help others, or before I can help myself. I'm being blinded by it, I can't see a thing. Plenty of people are dedicated to what is killing them. Is Hell worth all that?
Nine months it's been. God it used to seem much longer than that, but now it seems as though it was nothing. It's a revolution of the mind, I haven't let myself feel this way for too long. The child is gone and his dream is a new. He is close to reaching cycle three. and to this end he cannot believe. I do belive that this is working. Good, he says. Just let me know when it hurts. I can't help but think that it will be soon. No. It will be quite some time, but you're right I should tell someone. Ok, it's just gonna be a little pin prick. pulse pulse pulse pulse.
I know that I've waited and waited, if I'd waited longer maybe I wouldn't be stuck here in this hole. I cut down a size and brought it back to him. I can only blame me. Get lost and then get found. I got cut down to size and that made me realize or see things at leas a little clearer. I can only write it down, it's a poor excuse I know. Steal my heart and hold my tougne. For you I'd wait. I don't know where I'm going and worst of all I no longer know where I'm coming from. Just say you'll wait. The summer sunsets always let me be me.
It's a fleating feeling that I get when I see it coming toward me. More and more I see less and less; and it looks like I've lost my will to carry on. I need that blissful touch again. I have a feeling that I am going to be missing this for alot longer than I had thought. The only way we could start over is if we ran away. But to where? This is no time to be alone, but with whom would I share this agony? If only it were the way it was before. Just when I think my eyes are open I realize that I can't see anything. I'm keeping a closer watch on this heart than I realize. Now if you don't mind I'm going to walk this line of mine. Will I peer into the bounds and cross over? Only they know what I'm capable of. I guess I don't know that for sure, but I'm pretty sure I know what he is capable of so...anyway. To be right by your side through hell or water high. That's what I want but I don't anyone else to tell me, and I don't need any proof of it either
All I can say is that this weekend was 16 tons
It's a day for catching sun. Is this all that you want? So if you are outside and the day is right, she's the hunter and your the fox. Shes gonna get you.
Welcome D20.
The perfecting ending to the best and worst day of the year. It was bad before 12 and it was bad after 12, but great in twain.
It's been the ruin of many poor boys, and god I know I'm one.
Come here,
ok so a naked blonde walks into a bar with poodle under one arm and a two foot salami under the other, the bar tender turns to her and says, "well I suppose you won't be needing a drink." the naked blonde says,
summer is over too soon.
And so it ends, as if I never existed.
Why can't we dream forever?
So I got a credit card so I could build credit right. Once I got a 720/880 I figured that was good enough so I cancelled the card. Well apparently the CC company didn't see that way they kept it active but frozen so I couldn't use it, but it still collected fees (rewards and all that kind of small stuff) so now I, becuase I haven't payed a bill on a CC that I "didn't have anyway" my credit score is going to drop. I love Society.
Well I've done it. This is my forum for my compendium of all my thoughts. Or not; maybe this will be my second and last post. Although I doubt it. I'm kind of excited for this. Now when I write I talk to myself, but now there is a slight chance of someone else reading it. Of course it slim, a chance never-the-less.