Thursday, November 26

The Flower That Shattered the Stone

Faith; the belief that one holds the ability to lift an eye to the sky and become conscious of whatever "Heaven" that beholds them. Reason; an explantion for the cause of belief. Logic; the art of reasoning which seeks to identify and understand the principles of demonstration and inference. Science; any systematic perspective practice that is capable of resulting in a prediction or highly predictable outcome.

The truth of the matter is the there is no "awe-inspiring notion" no "perfecting revelation" no "absolute truth" no "ultimate truth" and no "piniacle of the human understanding" of anything that anyone one has come across.

We are all consistently trying to understand the world that we encounter. And not once in any time period of life in human history has any one's notion of "absolute understanding" ever been correct....So why do we continue to believe that "what we know now" has any more epistemic access to the truth that what our ancestors had before us? It's because we are afraid...we are afraid to make decisions, we are afraid that we might be wrong; and so we pick the answer that is, for the most part, chosen for us already by default. Whatever is already acceptable is enough for us that cannot make up own minds.

Some of us may already think that they think for themselves, but even they "give" in to ideologies that are not their own. It is because that we are creatures that cannot survive on our own that we seek out eachother, it is why we march in the street, it is why we seek religion. It is safe to assume that you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God loves and hates all the same people that you do.

It is not God that is Devine; it is the person, the people, the society. It is not Satan that is evil, it is people, persons, society. The most capable thing that people can claim that they are able to perform is thinking, creating ideas, defining the world. But take something as intermediate as seeing; seeing is something that most of do more constantly than we would claim; and even that we are not able to do that well.

How the individual percieves the world is how that same individual divulges the world. So, if a poet (St. Augustine, St. Thomas Aquaines) or Philosopher, (Socrates, Decartes) or religious figure (Jesus, Mohammed) knowing that is the objective of the one protraying the "prophecy" that you believe the story; it likely moves them to convince the one in which they are telling.

Understanding people or how people arrive at any conclusion is how anyone in a postion of influence demonstrates their "vast" knowledge or understanding of people. Taking advantage of people that see only their egotistical responses as "correct" is the easiest way for any one personal, group, or entity to rule over them. And why is that, because in giving people soemthing that they can beleive in, you have given them a reason to follow you? If you are Just you will fulfill the needs of the peopel. If you're smart you'll use it to your advantage....if you're empathetic you'll use it for the benefit of everyone else; if you're righteous you'll use it to emody the public; and if you're diabolical you'll use the power that you've been granted to convince everyone that you are the only a messenger and that they should empower the "Great Beyond" through you in order to find Happiness.

"Every generation mocks the traditions of the old, but religiously follows the new" -- Henery David Thoreau

Monday, March 9

Jaded Bliss

The most beautiful of landscapes are best seen while looking down above them. To feel the depth of an ocean of sky and sand with your eyes is an inexplicable feeling.

We were looking everyone, everyone who had been invited but did not yet know it; we wanted to tell them personally. When I found him I almost did not recognize him, it was probably the hair that confused me. Never had I seen it so short or blond, though he was familiar enough for me to suspect. I gave him his invite and told him where to be, he said it was good to see someone he knew, but that he had to get back to his life for now. I left with the understanding that though we were close once and would still remain friends our lives followed different paths now and should they by chance cross again, we will meet at those crossroads as different people.

It was comforting to see the shimmering yet shrouded reflection of the ceiling over head. The water in the darkness toyed with my imagination; it led me to ideas that I have not had for years. Though I was somewhat comforted by these seemingly random thoughts, I could not help but shake the feeling that though I came from that person in my past, I do not remain him today. some for worse, some for better I suppose, but ultimately not as familiar as I would have liked.

When I saw her I was not surprised. It was as if the pool made manifest a desire for this encounter. She led me to a space just behind an almost audacious set of windows overlooking a dark and violent ocean. The waves crashed up against volcanic black rocks that would instill every thought save for comfort. Even the sun and clouds would have brought on an ominous feeling. Yet somehow, looking at this world behind the glass allowed me to see the what was beyond it as beautiful and would have chosen no better setting for this otherwise chance manifested encounter with her. Though it has been years, we never missed a beat; still finishing the others' sentences. I told her that I was glad she came and that I did not want this dream to end.

I asked her if it would hurt and she said that it would depend on how I was to take it. The idea of what was to come frightened me, but her grace and thoughtfulness of our time together allowed me to subside the fear and welcome the faith I had in her towards me. I hear the air separate as the leather traveled through it. At the moment it skimmed my skin, the anticipated following sensations caused a sigh of relief and jaded bliss. It was not sexual it was not excitement it was the definition of content; the definition of comfort.

Wednesday, February 11

Debates in Ultimate Reality

As I sat there foremost of anyone else, I realized that they all knew you differently. They were your friends, they were your customers, they were your lovers...I was your brother and I could think of nothing short of dreadful, depressing, mournful things. This is not to say that I did not love you, I just knew you differently. Ever since I was five I have heard the stories of how you are the reason I exist. I would imagine that if the roles were reversed you would have much more affectionate memories to share about me. You were 12 years older than I was and you had your own life to lead; I don't blame you for the things you did and I have never held them against you. For as long as I can remember I have thought of your actions as hurtful towards the people that we mutually love; from our parents to your children. I have tried to instill my ideology back into these people, but now that you're gone I think it will be more difficult in your absence than I ever believed it to be in your presence.

I am reminded of the questionable adage of what happens to the unstoppable force when it meets the unmovable object, from now on I will be able to answer that question; it happens when the person you've never been able to articulate your love for dies, and they never hear how you feel.

My Father told us both once that his brother died before he felt he was able to reconcile the differences between them and that he believed this would happen with us if we did not find some way to show each other compassion. I feel that though my sister and I discussed and happily argued one another; we never spoke about the one obvious point between us...that we were both the same and loved each other very much.

To All That Spoke With Reverence:
I know that my sister came with a force that could not entirely be described, it could only be experienced. Though I am saddened by her death, I rejoice that I have come to know the shrapnel of her existence.

Wednesday, July 23

An Hourglass Affair

A gray ambient light completely surrounds the dreamer as he imagines himself at the apogee. To others it would appear that he is subdued, regressed, or nearly lifeless. In these moments he sees himself in a teetering position; half a step from complete despair, but inches away from a smile that brings him back to having the choice to decide when he is ready to culminate. In this moment he is reminded of the words of Kierkegaard: "complete despair is precisely the inability to die." His decision to smile causes him to suffer softly because he knows that he now must try to build his own home. For so many years he has been homesick for a place that never existed save for one instant in his mind.

That smile is a first step in conjunction with many first steps. Each decision that we all make, he realizes, shapes the future that we create. It is a future that is never absolute; it is one that is expecting change whether we consciously make them or not. Outwardly he is projecting a sense of ease, demonstrating that he has no fear. All the while he is afraid of what actually does scare him; the things that are so minute and surreal that admittance of these things is detrimental to his psyche. That smile indicates that he chose to live, and if the part of him that is afraid over powers that which is willing he will never again be able to look upon a reflection of who he wishes to be. The dreamer is reminded of an adage, "The most universal human characteristics are fear and laziness," but thinks to himself that these traits are simply birds of a feather; and that acceptance of one coincides with acceptance of the other.

His beliefs were once known to him, though they now seem as distant as he in the apogee. The decisions of now lend more than experience, they are a chance for him to live what he believes and yes, they will challenge what he thinks to be true. In fact they will undoubtedly rip him apart in ways that will cause him to spend much the years ahead trying to ascertain how they were able to. This is precisely why they are so important, because they have been challenged him, because he has lived them, because he knows them. Not because he read about them, not because someone once spoke of them with reverence, not because others around him have an easier time accepting him because he believes what they do. That smile tells him that if he does not venture to the life of a philosopher he will loose what he is as a dreamer.

He decides that he wishes to live death, to live unto death as it were. This may seem obvious as everything that has lived has died, just as everything that is alive will die. But what recounts is not a cortege of events that ultimately leads to the result of death. To live death is to embrace it as a stage of life, to have experienced, conversed philology, to have lived tumorulously, to have given the very smile that began it all, to say yes to one instant and be joined by the populous of the mind.

The obvious conclusion is to break with tradition, to expel routine, to kick himself out of what is comfortable and force him to create new universes that will, in turn, cause him to destroy those and create new ones. Each time holding on to some part of the old and incorporating it into the new. The action of destruction is one that leads to creation. Good does not triumph evil, they need each other to exist at all. The light over powers the darkness each day at sunrise, and in turn the darkness prevails the light at sunset. As this is one of the most ubiquitous analogies of good versus evil it is not hard to see that for as much as the dreamer would like things to stay complete he knows that growth can only come from destruction. He does not have to forget the past, he must simply move on from it.

Friday, March 28

Life: Blood in Water: Fear

He would lie there longer if that which he referred to as himself would allow him more time. Perhaps he doesn't quite yet understand how much control he has. Perhaps he and the God have more in common than would be realized; unaware that their actions carry more weight than either is prepared to deal with.

He didn't kill him, but his actions would suggest otherwise to the group. Though he felt that he could not and should not leave, he could not live with the confusion that perhaps he did. It does not matter either way he must be presentable for the sake of what is to come next. As the sea breeze drove the grains of sand to spin out-of-control on top of the ground, he is reminded of himself; only considers that perhaps the grain is not out of control, but rather leaving the collective for something greater than would ever befall it where it had lain.

She stood tall, her hair dry from the sun, her voice soft as thunder. She seem to make it point not to smile. As if doing so would produce an unstable element through her. He told her, in no self-fulfilling way, that he had caught a glimpse of, not so much the physical actions of the future, but the emotional responses from each individual he was in close estimation with. Of course she did not believe him, and he of course expected this. As they drove aimlessly the disposition seemed to change, it was as if saying yes to anything so absurd was saying yes to all of existence.

The time was changed. No longer was a free-world what it once meant. The anticipation of aggression seemed to the only never changing factor. Were they meant to meet post humorously in a parking lot? All that matters is that it's a place, and it's one that will determine the course of the rest of their lives. Each comes from someplace that cannot be described it is unspeakable, and yet the individualistic nature of being human places an incessant desire to attempt explanation. He does not know it yet, nor will he probably ever fully know how important each new experience that he is taking control over conjuring will get him closer to the door. He knows that it exists, he also knows that perhaps in searching he has passed it many times though it does not stop him from looking. And because of this he can never go back to the way he was. It is a lonely path that others had tread before him and others are treading along side him, only they rarely cross paths in ways that are obvious to any one of them.

"Silly monkey's; give them thumbs, they make a club and beat their brother down" MJK

Tuesday, February 5

Pure Conditioning

There are so many places that pride themselves in being the same as everything around them We seem to have this idea, especially in the land of free expression, that everyone has the "right" way and then we accept everything else. And this explanation really closes off other possibilities, even though it may seem that we are being open. I think language is really what is evolving here, the terms are the same but the language is different. This shift, this almost evolution of language is largely attributed to the booming impact of the Internet. The overflow of information has reduced our mental stimulus to that of a sound byte. It's peoples willingness to give up opportunities to some mental distraction that may be most easily described as a con-artist. This entity that is the media is a system of complacency, of control. Almost daily there are people that celebrate sin and licentiousness, and I certainly don't think that it is something we should ignore or overlook or even not embrace as a culture; but we seem to all to often lavish in it. To be fair most of us don't know what is going on, I certainly don't claim to. But that only tells us that what the media is doing is working. It is making us feel small, feel frightened teaching us that it is better to live in the moment instead planning for the future. Showing us, over time, that perhaps those in power should just stay there and we, the rest of society, should all simply hope for the best.

This environment of hyperreality that Baudrillard describes is one of pure conditioning, if you ask the average person how to meditate or what it means to be abducted they can tell you because they (we) are conditioned to know things that we haven't necessarily experienced. To take people out of these places where they are bombarded by the media they subsequently begin to become de-hypnotized. A lot of them would be unable to coup very well because it is not how they are used to existing. On the other hand if we follow what Socrates teaches we discover that learning is remembering and you begin to give up the obsessions of what it is that you think is controlling you. Everyone has the power to objectify themselves, but sometimes, and in fact most often times in western culture it is easier and very much acceptable to let those decisions get made for us.

If you give up the obsession of what it is that you think is controlling you. Then you begin to see the cracks in the system and that most of are not falling into them, but are rather swept into them. The basis of social hypnosis is that we, in western culture, tend to limit ourselves, we tend to think of ourselves as so fragile that the only way for us to obtain greatness or being better is this feeling that we cannot attain anything unless it is very difficult.

Thursday, January 17

This is where I died

It only takes a moment to remember, but a lifetime to forget. The age of innocence is lost the day that you realize that all the beauty and hope in the world can be taken away by the very people that taught you it existed in the first place. I suppose for most it may happen right around puberty. The world we live in is only as real as we believe ourselves to be. Once one understands the dualistic nature of the world the possibility of being irrevocably happy is poised with utter tumourulousness. The word happy is a verb, it is a state of being which further implies that it is subjective. So much to the point that one may never fully understand how great it may be, and only know of it as an expression depicting a higher level of depression. No one will ever truly be able to understand another. The barrier of language prevents it. It makes use of vestigial words that we conjure to explain emotions that we ourselves do not fully understand.

The world is not black and white instead the colors swirl to create a paradigm of life and existence. Light in darkness, darkness in light. To die is not a tragedy, the tragedy is refusing to be reborn. There exist people everywhere that would rather kill themselves than to experience life, or have no imagination. People sleep, people live, people die, people fuck, people are sad, people know compassion, people embrace hatred. We Know that those who are capable of any absolution are able to convey both extremes. We are all simply learning children to the very end of this existence.

I will welcome death when I have experienced all I can in this life. But not today.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? If someone dies and no one knows him, will it affect anyone?

"One can only consider themselves knowing when they embrace that they truly know nothing" -Socrates

Monday, July 23

Classical Ending

Drifting memories of light and historical happiness pass the junction of imagination and dream. They linger only long enough to remind of any other day
The heat from the midnight sun clung to his out stretched arm. The sweat from his face melted him from the waist up. He was spending hours in a tumorulous trance that was unspeakable to anyone else. The shimmering white dashes drew, at 70 miles per hour, an arrow pointing to the horizon. It was as if chasing the sunset gave him the realization that it was just out-of-reach and always will be, although it does not stop him from trying every chance he gets. He can already tell that the conversations have a circular feel. It's as if he's been talking to different people on the same day for ages. Always the same topics always the same timed emotions. The relatively new experiences ahead do much to comfort his fore-thought, but even his conscious mind knows that though it may be a vacation like no other, he still takes himself on the journey. The daylight completely diminishes and leaves behind only red backward facing eyes to chase. They all might as well not exist, just as he does not exist in their minds.

The nearing infinitesimal amount of thoughts, ideas, and dreams mimic the collection of sand carved from the ocean floor and brought to the surface existing as everything else...apart of us. People wonder how something called unique can exist with others unique like it. A thing is only important for as long as people remember it.
Each grain held it's hand aloft to support the weight of bodies in the sun, as the four oceans of sky, earth, water, and people embrace and find harmony. The ocean air cooled and revitalized his senses, he was better prepared for the days ahead but changed. Thinking with different ideas and seemingly endless possibilities allowed him a temporary paradigm for the moment he had created. The different lives toyed and mocked his decisions and caused him to fear himself. Wondering how anyone would tolerate these actions in themselves, he decided he did not know enough about any one of them to judge them as only an untrained mind would. It saddens him, how pathetic he must be to ultimately know everyone without a single communicated gesture, but how else does he stay safe?

---To Be Continued---

Tuesday, July 10

Reflective Attitude

In reference to Aryanism; the idea of a super race or moderately speaking a race without genetic defect is that for those who may meet the criteria, for some, it may be a question of simply existing. Not having the responsibility to grow, educate, or pursue higher levels of consciousness could easily be a methodology widely accepted in that scenario, because it is as it stands now. So few of the "genetically superior" make an attempt and even fewer still of those who attempt it make it or at least don't give up within their lifetime. It seems to be more the "genetically inferior" that strive for enlightened attainment. e.g. Stephen Hawking; Hawking is an enigma in that his physical self is vastly inferior to that of even the average human being, though his 4th dimensional self, or his mind, functions at a level not greatly higher than the average man, but running at least at full potential compared to that of the common man. To say that a genetically superior body would automatically yield a superior mind is bit more than naive I feel.

The example of the peg leg

In the event of trauma to the physical self, e.g a lost limb. That person has already been given a social advantage in life, as his very existence is a feat unto itself. whereas average people must strive to ensure they remain intact as well as pursuing higher goals. For that man who, until recently was fully intact, simply existing provides him acceptance and even admiration in some cases of social restraint. While it is true that the author would prefer to remain physically whole, it does pose an interesting sociological question. Is it better to be average entirely or be crippled and perform at at least an average level?

Is the endless waiting for things to begin and end an inevitable consequence of life?

Saturday, May 12

A Raised Brow in Curiosity

After escaping what may have been a cell (probably of my own design) we wandered through an open dinning hall, and after walking past my brother, I rushed to him. He noticed that I noticed him, and although I had expected him to second glance, I knew that he wouldn't. She asked me in a slow voice, "so when did you figure it out?"I told her I thought it was when I saw the Heineken, but I knew that wasn't true. It had been since I noticed the toilets hanging on the walls in the bathroom. They both then asked, if perhaps I was drunk and this isn't real. I said I know this is real, but also inside a dream. Both said something...I can't quite place it. But later I wrote this down (in my dream) so as not to forget.

Then as I rolled to the floor I realized I was dreaming with a dream, I knew where I was and what would happen if I slipped but I let go anyway. I sunk my head into the water, I was instantly pulled out. I was shaking, they told me it was close, that if they had not been there I would have been gone. I told them how I felt, that I was sleeping and that I knew what was going on. I never mentioned the dream again.

She had 39 of them. A woman in the not too distant future; although it was into Libra (substituted for Anno Domini; AD) I was being protected for being from the past and the only one to come in contact with the dream world. I asked how many she had and as we both counted we reached 39 in unison. I thought it was great, she expected a sexual return, but my mind was as a child, and in this rite a more centered response. I asked if she could use them all, her face bore a sense of sadness. I knew she did not know.

I was frightened, being in a place where dreams were not only not had by most, but completely un heard of by the common man.

Thursday, May 3

Inventing The Sky

The following is a collection of notes and conjecture between myself and me over the past month or so. Keep in mind that all is what I have learned in the past and what my ideas about it are.

Musings of a reclusive person:

Ask a kid and an astrophysicist to explain the sky
-different perspectives
looking at something (shooting photons at it...light) changes it's molecular structure

find a way to measure the state of existence without looking at it. such as bombarding it with probes at every degree to measure it's dimensions. if this is possible then 'probing' thoughts is an obtainable goal. What are thoughts made of? broadly defined as matter and energy, perhaps as consciousness grows and channels M&E to condense into a measurable vibration. Thoughts may be more accurately defined as an exception to chemical and physical law. Not to say that it acts outsides these principles, but that it may manipulate these laws unto itself. Meaning those laws create thoughts which in turn create those laws.

big bang structured similar to birth scenario, the universe exists because another universe bumped against nothing...similar to man and woman coming together to make something where nothing existed before (nothing in the sense that it may not be able to be probed or seen by lower dimensions, possible higher dimensions as well. a person is more advanced than a cockroach, but still cannot communicate with one. simply because a higher dimension exists and if that dimension holds beings does not hold in any way that they would try to communicate or even be aware of our existence. As the model of the universe is strikingly similar to EM, WF,SF,G...such are models of the molecular development, mitosis may resemble the seemingly erratic actions of photon(+) Electrons(-) and neutrons(0).

Theory: (similar to M Theory but not congenial to it) 2 dimensional plane can hold multi dimensional levels. objects appear smaller as you move away from them, they do not change structure, it is simply that they cannot be viewed correctly from so far away. The same could be concluded about the universe or even the dimensions through which we are able to see or affect.

If relativity better explains the universe than does Newtonian physics, String and M:Theory should also be considered. Newton and Einstein both tackled the force of Gravity, String theory originally leaves out the force of gravity altogether, claiming it as too weak of a force. -sub note on this point Electromagnetism is 10^39 times stronger than gravity, to give an example; the reason one does not fall through the earth is because EM force repels objects of mass from each other. So when you 'touch' the ground it is actually the electrons opposing the photons and pushing them away from each other- M:theory brings about gravity as being a stronger force than may be measurable because of our perception or placement in the 3rd dimension, although being able to, at least for now, see the 4th dimension. Strings in M:theory are made into more idealistic principles, basically M:theory breaks the universe down into 5 or 1 theories, and sets them on a plane similar to the conjecture in the above paragraph. If our universe exists on a 2 dimensional plane, then it seems reasonable that other universes exists parallel to one another. it's as if there is a wire far off in the distance, that wire is seen as a line to one viewer, but with you come within 1/4 of an inch to it's surface, one sees that it has 3 dimensions, and that it also has winding dimensions inside of that. If this can be seen, then it makes sense that the universe we see of 3 plus one dimensions, might exist on a smaller plane with higher planes below that and above ours. Also if the 4th dimension cannot be interacted with by our conscious being (and from the perspective of this author, it can be interacted with by the collective unconscious) then might it also reflect that other dimensions exist so close to our physical selves that they go unnoticed. These might be able to be probed as was discussed earlier, instead of monitored.

Tuesday, April 17

Daylight dims

The seasons change as the daylight dims; what shall I think as the lights go down? I seem to think that pointing my finger to the distant empty space will give me a sense of calming, when it only makes me realize how alone I am, and how strong that makes me. Sometimes I tend to forget about the ones inside me that give me life. The ones I have conjured to force out my narcissism, and stifle my ego. Melting me up from the ground and capturing my own reflection; the likes of whom I have never seen before, and yet feel a sense of belonging to that I would have never felt otherwise. It's the journey that makes the destination possible.

Overwhelmed as one would be placed in her position, it's far to heavy a burden to demand of any one person. She has the scars to prove that life has had its day and its way with her, she has a lot to say to some that would but ask. It must be comforting to know that although she is her own person and experiencing her life self-objectively, she may rely on what has happened to those around her to fuel how instinctive she becomes.

I'm alright now, it's time for me to let you go

"To feel all the matter and energy condense into a slow vibration, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream and we are the imagination of ourselves." - JMK

Thursday, March 29

Turn My Head

Bliss comes in far too few fashions to be able to recognize it before it's on top of you. When the door opens and the lips on your face keep in stride with the moment, you know that it has you. You're not quite sure how it crept up on you like it did; being caught in the mystery makes it what it is. And though as it has happened before you can never quite duplicate it, this humbles you and forces you to see that this moment is still happening, and though more will follow, this one is happening now.

The auctioneering functions of the mobile to mobile device I carry at my side so intrinsically may frustrate me beyond belief. It's as if my time and attention is up for the highest bidder. Do I continue with my conversation or interrupt it for a fanciful new beginning that will undoubtedly result in a disgruntled user closing the phone in angst. And yet I don't go many places without it, I suppose my hippocracy goes only so far.

Tuesday, March 6

To Cause to Become

As my life jostles methodically out of control and I do things to fuel fleeting emotions to feel sane if only for a moment; I can't help but smile. I am more outside myself than I have ever had the courage to be on my own merit, and yet I feel that I am seeing myself through the eyes of someone else that I have become. It's as if I have turned into the stranger I had projected myself to be. This seemingly forced harmony humbles me in knowing that I will emerge from the ashes of myself

Open this:
Don't think for a moment that I am not scared as well. Sometimes I feel I have to act, then I'm shown how ridiculous it is. I try to be who I vaguely recall, and you unknowingly snap me back. So many times I have imagined the future and pondered the past. Why the phone ended up in my hand I don't think I have an answer for. An impulsive act performed by a lifeless satellite, or a hidden gesture for a subconsciously seeded desire. I prefer to accompany the latter. I cannot fully explain how it is I feel, yet I have the sensation that I feel. As this happens there is no taking it back, the event is not linear it's cascading. Once we give this thing a name, then it has the capacity to end. I say this because I like you. Not because I think it will last forever, but because of the moments we confide in. You were right to say what you did, sometimes a thing is better when you have no name to call it by. :Open yourself

The melody crescendos as the cello strings soothe and enhance the moment, I feel penitent to the ensemble

Friday, February 16

Mood Enhancer

She cuts an eye to the corner of your face, and crimps a post humorous smile. She rants about her life, and you can't help but grin. A glimmering diamond holds closed the door through which you wish to peer. She may tell you of a place that exists that draws water to your tongue She'll tells you of this place only enough to make you knock, but not to let you in. She'll make you lighten your senses, to let you know she's really there. You may bite your lip in anticipation to nibble hers; as this connects you to something you cannot express to even yourself. The skin gives a sensation of warmth and unsteady breathing as you skim your fingers across her cheek. She gasps slightly to let you know its o.k. It forces your secret smile that you hide, but hope she sees.

It occurs to you that you may never find this place she hides so well. But it pushes you to feel, and challenges you around her.

Cellular Connections

Memories, the past, the now, if only. I searched myself for answers to what I was doing, and from what I expected to realize out of this dismal encounter with the past. My mind knew where I was but my body felt at home. Destined to pass by the mistakes as if to taunt my emotion. I could see him lying atop black mirrors and reflecting his life to everyone willing to see. He was thin, stretched; I thought to run for help, but I felt to run for fear. As thoughts of the present rushed through my mind, I realized this was the chance that I gave up on, this is the time to pursue; for him, for now, for me. Even now I imagine heat passing from the room, the convulsion of his chest and words that would have response only in my mind. I am so scared. I am so proud of you.

Without him I am a lifeless satellite...drifting

Tuesday, January 2

A Metaphor for a Missing Moment

{keep in mind this a representation of experiences, both mine and from converstaions had with my family before, during, and after}

All my feelings are coming out at once from the center of my earth, they mimic the intensions of lightning in that they have little direction. the Confusion that sets in feels like it should belong to another family down the hall. This moment has been anticipated with time against time. And when all that's left to do is reflect on what has happened; in these moments there seems to be the presence of an energy that never left or came. The decisive call of an eternal love coincides with our own absolutions. The sudden arrival and return of family to share experiences and lend hearts to one another; these are the sage like moments are what separate this particular season

I put off writing this for so long, as it would be a more finalized medium of acceptance. My father will be the world to me from the moment that I could understand others outside myself until I am resuscitated by what captures the essence of us all. I see now that the doors to that place are always open, that it is the rooms themselves that are forever changing. In what ever way we chose to observe the world around us; it alters what defines our eternity.

My weary eyes will still, at times, stray to the horizon and in a sleep walking stance descend this road I've been on so many times. The grass will seem different then, this house, this life, this light will seem to have changed, but I will forever know that the change has not come from these things, but that it has come from within me. And on nights of wonder I will be comforted by the friends around me, and the life that I have made because of the obstacles I have endured from both the time I spent with my father and the time that he lived in the space between family and friends. I believe that if my father had a choice then he chose no better time to ascend.

Tuesday, November 28


I see it in the memories of lives to come; what can simply be described as happenings not tied to emotional belonging. For someone who does not believe they belong to this mass, connections have yet still been drawn. And because of this things that seemed trite once are now bold in comparison. In finding yourself, one commonly continues the search far after it is found. The ideology of that in which one surrounds themselves, tends to be mistaken for his own ethos. Although fore-mentioned the credibility of oneself only looses out to the untrusted unconsciousness.

Monday, November 13


It's amazing to know that as a kid my thirst for questions was fueled by an idea that I had no concept of but would be lead to by the answers. I can remember wondering why I couldn't simply submit to the ritualistic routine around me. Even now, although not totally so, I am blind from the light. And although I believe to have more answers now than I did in the past, it is that I simply have more idiosyncrasies that I believe to be "growth." Once a question is posed the journey cannot simply be ended; it must be endured for the bodhi will be obtained either after the separation, or may be obcurred and utilized during ones life.

Tuesday, November 7

18 Minute Oneironautics

As I sat in class I remember thinking that I had a speech to give today. And even though I wasn't prepared, I knew I would be able to get through it. I asked to accuse myself for a few minutes so that I could run to my room for props. She agreed, and as I was leaving I kept thinking that I would use the demonstration from my other class. As I tired desperately to return to class on time I ran in just as the bell rang, and I had missed my cheat.

I was sitting in my room wondering what the commotion down the hall was. As I opened my door, I realized that this place was not my home, but some where that I couldn't place but all otherwise accepted. She bent over me with a lost expression about her. She didn't want to be there.

I found myself at the edge of world, experiencing what I can only describe as a lecture on the effects of existentialism vs film and literature. A colleague of mine, seemed very much involved in the process; someone who otherwise would not be, for as much as I know of him. As I listened to the professor congradulate those on their input, I felt compelled to visit the ground floor. I approached the stage and was immediately surrounded by those who would mean harm to me. I killed a man that I quickly became, and as I felt my soul touch my skin I urged to see the sky as I collected. I could feel the light rush through me as it resuscitated my consciousness I could hear the sound of water collecting around me. And as I pulled my head out of my body I can remember thinking that perhaps memories are too unstable at an early age because the soul may not have fully pieced together.

-And you will come to find that we are all one mind. Capable of all that's imagined and all conceivable- JMK

Monday, September 18

Silver Tears

Ideas that come in the still of the instance; those holy moments that seem to last just as long. They are the briefest of times and yet it is within those very moments that allows for the concept of enlightenment. The hope that one day it will be possible to manifest them consistently and with control.

The people that affect our lives through time, always seem so important during the present and yet that feeling tends to fade out senses of compassion within it's own timeline.

"Death is an experience thought to be felt only once.  Each time I die, I hope to understand its emotional complexity" --P. Patten--

Monday, August 7


Does spacetime really effect us on a personal level? Am I seeing life through my eyes alone? Or is it a collection of thoughts and understandings based on the few generations that have been quaint enough to affect me?

The biggest mistake a person can make is to think that they are alive

My depression comes more easily and may leave just as swiftly. Perhaps it such that I am aware of things or ideas that I have little use for or difficulty applying to the life that I surround myself with. And because of this I am frustrated that I either am unwilling to accept and enable this paradigm of thinking or worse... I am incapable of it. This fear may be attributed to breaking the loosely fitting saftey net around me.

The idea that what I know [think, believe] to be true does, in a historical sense and for the vast majority, turns out to be untrue. Are we so conditioned in our daily lives by society, that we buy the idea that we cannot change things around us, or more simply change our selves. It is being done constantly. If you change your thoughts then your choices change if your choices change your life changes. Most, for some reason, feel that this needs to be done secretly, to avoid troubling others with matters of the self. Reality is seen, by the world at large, by experiences that others can share within possibility. Ergo if you kick a rock you feel it and that's real, but it's also an independent experience that one alone has singular emotions about that are unique. How can something be labeled as 'real' when the self that is determining it to be real is intangible? This answer can only be found within the infinite instance of another question. The brain only sees what it is 'programmed' to or has the ablity to see. Through conditioning of the mind by outside and inside forces condtion us to match patters within ourselves. In this sense there exists nothing outside of us that is independent of what is inside of us. The mind is capable of processing approximately 400 billion bits of information every second, this information is then broken down into what can only be described as the most self serving. Because it's the easiest thing to live with, we choose answers to questions to fit our bubble. We say yes to that job and to education because we are not taught how to dream so it seems ridiculous even when it something that people do inately. Perhaps ultimately it is other peoples reactions to us that make us who we are. And although sickening, this thought bares with it a sense of questioning in respect to the ideals of what make us who we are; not only as ourselves, but as a society.

Science is described [by scientist] as ever growing and a constantly changing philosophy. It is seen, in the eyes of the public, to be somewhat of a revelation for un answered questions. This is a cold and very belated description of the understanding or more hitherto the miss-understanding of the world around us. An interesting subscript of A.E.'s journal was, "nothing happens in contradiction to nature, only in contradiction to what we know of it" This is demonstrated in countless socialistic circumstances. Because of our brash divinity within each generation, we do not accept things that are unruling to our everyday life.

Reality can be described in much the same fashion. There are those who believe that reality is complete without the instance of mankind or as I will come to call it...the fabric of mind. Which is to say that it encompasses every aspect of the mind and subsequently every instance of mind (the connection of everything). Still there are others that see reality [comprehension], in the sense of the term, as a possibility or exentsion of themsleves. If reality is complete than I am insignificant, and I cannot really change it, but if reality is my possibility, or the possibility of consciousness itself, then this reigns in the question of how can I can change it? In this way we are extending the image of ourselves into the fabric of mind. Which is to say that we are affecting the world we 'choose' to take part in. Everyone is effecting [creating] reality constantly. Everytime one looks at anything they have an emotional response to it, and within that moment that person makes a descision, conscious or unconscious , in determing what they choose too see. Heisenberg was quoted as saying that, "atoms are not things, they are only tendancys" With this in mind it may become easier to see that when you're not looking there exist waves of possibilities, when you do decide to look there is an experience or singularity brought upon by the conscious reasoning of ones mind.

Possibility of mind
If I were able to consciously create my day, taking the time to bare every conceivable possibility before embarking it. I would then be able to see them manifest in an unexplainable manner. And in so knowing that I had the power to overcome the ingnorance of myself, I would then be able to re-create my world and in a sense re-wire my mind. This instance is not only a possiblity of mind, it is one that happens constantly without knowledge. We tell ourselves what is possible and what is not. We convince ourselves that we have power over little else than what we say, which will also affect us and those around us in a much more profound manner than most deam possible.

Even more terryifying still is that this body, this's an illusion. But in spite of this, it should still remind us of our mortality.

"And I being poor have only my dreams. I have spread my dreams beneath your feet. Tread softly, for you tread on my dreams" - William Yeats

Sunday, June 11


A thing lasts only as long as people remember it. Interesting that history is supposed to re-teach us what has been...only we choose to accept our own brash divinity over the mistakes of the past. Beneath my self indulgent hole, I may find pitiful. To know that my thoughts are simply instances of aberation fills me with excitment. A million light reflections pass over and could be absorbed with an instance of thought. Just have to let the light touch you, supported by any mentionable phrase. How we've survived so misguided is a mystery. It seems that with every passing day most of what is going down is a lie and all that is being erected are more mirrors. It should be easy to consider it finished....and flush it all away, but they've got me trapped within the shackles of myself. But I fear that to state the obvious is a downfall of my own design. I know that I exist on forty six and one, and this conceptual proof has been enough to provoke thought from the levels 1-3 of my existence, and will undoubtably continue to fuel my existentialistic points.

Is living here life? or is living here society? Is there even a seperation or are they just feathers?
Please hold your light where I can see; not buried within most like the midnight sun. I wish to express emotions and see people as persons. The exertion of pressure to run instictivly on auto pilot is great to overcome, though it may seem to be a lone system on the surface it will soon be realized that others have made it and will extatically pull you over.

As the walls come down I should cry, it should have a somniferous effect at that moment. I would write it down without a pen for all to see. The days we stop counting and the nights get strained. There does exist a short cut to this, though it has it's draw backs it is interesting to realize that of course a short cut has obstacles...otherwise it just be the way. Still I belive the journey to this place makes the arrival possible.

When you're touching's to push me away...But I would trade it all just to sit atop that peak and meditated with those palms on my face. The coffee house dreams, and porch light conversations are what makes that omnifarious day an infinite possibility.

"Devour to survive, so it is so it's always been"
"Repugnant is the creature who would squander the ability to lift an eye to heaven; conscious of its feable time here" JMK

Saturday, April 29

The Lamp Shade Tradgedy

The dream has not changed in the years gone by. The longing for a sitty shack or a lonley bungalow in a place not only shared in memories. A place with skies like the sea after a storm has not been lossed to the gallows of time. The dim lighting of the fireplace hue mixed with the glow of parchment against the eyes of a quiet intellect. There the neighbors are not neighbors, but brethren whose company is welcomed while sipping the Grey. There exists no smiley glad-hands or objective seekers. The conversations that are had are more than simple chit chat, more promising and rejoiced than anything else that would make us penatant of the moment. The walls are filed with knowledge and experiences from those of the past. Nourishment of the four is abundant in only necessary quantities. The passage of time is seen through the vicariousness of the weather, and so much is experienced beside it.

I wish to venture to this place and eternalize myself with the essence of it's assention. And I will be joined by the populous of the mind.

Monday, April 17

The Rythm of Dream Time

I've had to meditate with palms on my face more often. To leave it to the womb of time only leaves confusion in it's wake. I've been trying to feel motivation. It's not that it's getting easy by any means, but maybe it's getting more convenient. I'm hastend by the idea that I may have to begin again from the beginning sooner that I had anticipated. I had hoped that I could pull the halo off myself. I may be more than just a little curious to see how it all falls. It's nice to know, at least, that I'll be there when it happens this time.

Imagine for a second all the people that have affected your life, and then imagine how many others they have impacted. If one connects with one who connects to another that connects to another, then how is it difficult to see how we are all one?

I can see how my dreams {de ja vu} are impacted by my waking life. But if I can become more lucid in reversing that again, I think I will have more to say. I am a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. I hope some day you'll join, and the world will live as one.

As the walls come down and I look into your eyes the fears begin to fade. I find comfort in knowing that you are a person. I am too. I don't want the taste to subside. The emotions are there and will be waiting.

The easiest description I have to term with existentialism is to think of the weather as an entity. It engulfs the entire planet and yet still has 'individuality' within regions of space.

--Life's no ordeal if you come to terms with the idea that the only true knowldege is knowing that you know nothing. - Socrates

Wednesday, March 29

Memories of a life not yet lived

While gazing into the blissful night, it was realized that a recolection once heard is turning out to be true. Man wants chaos, in fact he can't live without it. For one, who is not fully enlightend, the wallowing of a self lies within his required depression. For as bright as he may believe himself to be he must first realize that this light is not his own, that he is but a transciever of that light. He will absorb only what he surrounds himself with. And will reflect everything he is, including that which he does not know nor understand. As a person seeking samahdi it has become apparent that in order to understand anything it is first necessary to inwardly seek themselves. To peer past the inhibitions of a persons mind and body. Only then will they see that it is not world that is complex, it is themselves.

The mind doesn't know the difference between what it sees in life, and what it remembers in a dream. The images of the self that the mind portrays are usually those comforting to deal with. We are all individual constructs of all things. Which is to say that not only do we all share the same air, but we also inhabit every dimension within the force of life. Although experiencing the fourth onward personally, the force of life binds us together freely. We must crucify our ego, before it's far too late. Before we unconsciously decide to no longer question it. This three dimensional space is so negative, blind, and cynical. Once it is realized that we are all one mind, everything will be.

- Mankind has, by far, the most tolerance for it's inexplicable in-humanity towards man. -

Sunday, March 12

Serenity & Sanity

To dream would be the greatest adventure. This time should have been spent for that, instead it was spent dwindling the mind. It's possible you know. We are capable of all that technology has masked around us. I need to be at my center to find it. I need a nudge. Realization is reached only after confrontation. I should be able to use this to my advantage, but I'm too afraid of the journey. I guess you could call that life. I'm afraid to prove it to myself. I can see what's out there through the window, but to open the door is too difficult, I'm far to comfortable here in my bubble.

It starts today, and it will start again tomorrow. Each day the chance to start will be present. The day that is finally chosen will not be any different. It has little to do with the day itself, but more to do with how many days come before it. That day will not be remembered, but every day post it will. The time has come to stop hoping, and to begin again from the beginning. This is now now. Everything we see happening now, is happening now. It is un-important to consider things that cannot yet be changed. It is more important to understand that to achieve enlightenment one must first be able to ask themselves just one question, and seek only that answer. In searching more answers will be questioned, and more questions changed. But they will take care of themselves.

Lets start this before we convince ourselves to stop.

Tuesday, February 14

Web of Dreams

Time is the fire in which we burn. Although it could be said that time is not simply the chariot on which the Reaper rides, but that it is more of a companion that comes with us on the journey reminding us of what we have accomplished or haven't. This is an interesting thought because it deomstrates that because something can be looked upon in several different ways it will always mean something different to someone else.

Teach me how to see your vision through my eyes. Maybe then I can finally connect with someone again. Let me know you and let me see the boundaries and cross over them. The world will always be spinning and the iris of my eye will always be shaking. I like to close my eyes, to forget tomorrow and remember now. Love for the people that will sit next to me and be themselves and let me be mine own self, if only for a day. All I ask is that we can look into ourselves and resonate there for a moment together. Don't care what people say, most people are so consumed by being apart of the group or to be what others consider "normal" that they will do anything to get there, even if it means giving up what makes them themselves. Society is by far the most unrelenting drug that most people want, and don't even understand that they are addicted to. Don't give up and loose that chance.

A person in a relationship should be remembered the way they were with you throughout the relationship, not by the last conversation that you had with them - Laou Ra Chard

Wednesday, January 25

The Beauty of Gray

Only when the time is right. Who am I? How will I ever know if I always run for cover? I have been shown love at times throughout my life. Once it was new and couldn't be lived without. Then I was shown it like a dime-store hooker. I hope I'm there to see it when time and I shake hands and say goodbye.

The other day God looked down my throat and told me I was thirsty. You have the power to belive agian, He said. I just kept saying that I'd believe it when I saw it for myself. I don't need anyone to tell me about it. What is this energy that never left or came?

Naked lovers can feel the blood beneathe their veins. Electric nerves connect with tiny explosions in our minds. They feel like masters of their time and place. They live in a place seperate from the fears that we know. Maybe home is where the heart is given up to the One. Maybe. I wish something would break. I feel like I'm running out of time, and there is so much water in my lungs. From now on I'll have to keep a closer watch on this heart of mine. I find it far too easy to be true. I'm such fool. I suppose I should have been more true to myself instead of simply hopefull.

I need the gray area. It has to be within my grasp. If I Can't see it then what's the use? It's a crazy mixed world. I wouldn't have it any other way. Unless my way would fit. I'm filled with such irraputable enui. I can feel that rattlesnake again.

I was put on a shelf but I can only blame me for that. I felt I could handle being put back, but it's too much.

Cold silence has a tendancy to atrophy any sense of compassion between supposed lovers - JHK (MHK)

Friday, January 13

To be jung again

With insomnia you never worry about falling asleep, you worry about waking up. Emotions flood you. It's easy to let them overtake you. In fact it can sometimes be blissful Always too afraid to be weak, too proud to be strong. Somehow we have to make our own way in this pre-decided world we are bred into. It would be much more simple to let it flow. Once a question is posed it stops you from going back the way you came. For years it seems to fit and for years it seems to be broken. And through the years we all still seem to remain quintessentially ourselves. How does this work? Are we all this, jung? The key is not to care what people say and instead realize that they are all just as much apart of you as you are of them. Some in passing while others can be remembered with that smile.

We will always find ways of convincing ourselves that what we are doing is right. Can it be said that the more we KNOW the more confused we become? Imagine what you'll KNOW tomorrow. To read, to realize again and again a greater greater mind. I think I am getting closer to understanding meditation. I wish I could ask questions. But maybe it's better this way. I think that the secrets of samahdi may only be obtainable through self progress. Perhaps none of it can be taught. It seems to make sense that only the person can obtain their own spiritual enlightenment. The help of others' guidence is only an expression to the self that they are on the correct or incorrect path. This is, of course, useful to begin; but to continue the person must be devoted to learning and open to experience. The clouds are too easily tampered with. To learn that the storm will only cause enough destruction to allow what is bold to grow. This is something that all are faced with. It comes with it an unnerving attitude. It is difficult for anyone to search for themselves. But, to me it is even more frightening to stay locked in to what others have shifted me into.

Odd that it is easier to stay locked in a problem than try different solutions.

I have been wanting to talk to you for so long that I have, through the years and the mind, created a socially exceptable method of accquiring your services. This has only recently occured to me.

Friday, December 9

not until tomorrow

not until tomorrow will this be true, that means I have until then to live. No. I said until then. Now can you see that I have endured it all. Now can you see, I love and will love forever. I know that you can only feel in waves. I see that it is has ahold of you, only then will it unfold to be more than what you see. I wish I could see more but she will only be here until now. Yes Can you push me? can you see it here, from my perspective? I'm lying here looking to the above and seeing only....nothin.

ahhh here comes the rooster. What do I have to wait for. What do any of us have to wait for. We can all reach out and touch what we want. It's right there in fron of us. Yes it is, just want it bad enough. And want it whole - heartedly enough. I don't even know if I can say that public broadcast. I don't know if this makes sense to you but if it does please let me know. In fact let me know RIGHT AWAY. I wish to know now that you're th..yes you know what I would say.

Yes Shannon Yes. LAND LAND. We can start a New life together you and I. all we need is eachother and LAND. No Wait you're right all we need is eachother. I thought we needed more but, that was just material me speaking. Let's be nothing to everyone else. And everything to eachother.

You have already been my muse, please let me be yours. Please share this moment with me. I have wished it from the moment he said we were at Jefferson together in that lunch room. I've never noticed it until now. I can't wait until we share it together; to experience it together would be a dream. I want you there, do you understand? I know it takes more than that, but wait.

Lets share our hyms with him. Wait, I need to say this to you. I hate you. Only now do I realize that I mean I've actually loved you since we drove from the family resort to 90. Please remmeber. I want you to come with me. I want to bring you along. I wish that you would, wish to come along. and this poetry of him and you, can you only see past it, can you only see?

Well thanks for the time, I had to think awhile. Well that is that and this is this. I'm going to carry this in my ear, in my mind, and in my soul. Maybe we'll both get lucky and both grow old.

How could we know? I'll tell you what you get, you can get away from me. No. Don't you understand that the earth has folded on itself with us?

Wednesday, November 30

I'm not sorry anymore

God given and man wasted. Feelings to be felt to be real to be heard to be shared to be lived. Opinions of this place are everything, I want to expose my soul to the globe, J. I can either help or watch if fall on cnn. You are never alone man, there are more of us out there than either of us know. But we are still small. Will they ever get it right Karl? Not with this compass. Why is it always line-of-site with them? Isolation: I need to find myself before I can help others, or before I can help myself. I'm being blinded by it, I can't see a thing. Plenty of people are dedicated to what is killing them. Is Hell worth all that?

"It's hard to stay mad when there is so much beauty in the world." - Lester Burnam

Tuesday, November 8

Euphoria - the way I feel

Nine months it's been. God it used to seem much longer than that, but now it seems as though it was nothing. It's a revolution of the mind, I haven't let myself feel this way for too long. The child is gone and his dream is a new. He is close to reaching cycle three. and to this end he cannot believe. I do belive that this is working. Good, he says. Just let me know when it hurts. I can't help but think that it will be soon. No. It will be quite some time, but you're right I should tell someone. Ok, it's just gonna be a little pin prick. pulse pulse pulse pulse.

Strange voices are saying (damn what did they say?) things I don't yet understand. Just can't explain it to you, I don't know what to say.

Friday, November 4

My Star is Fading

I know that I've waited and waited, if I'd waited longer maybe I wouldn't be stuck here in this hole. I cut down a size and brought it back to him. I can only blame me. Get lost and then get found. I got cut down to size and that made me realize or see things at leas a little clearer. I can only write it down, it's a poor excuse I know. Steal my heart and hold my tougne. For you I'd wait. I don't know where I'm going and worst of all I no longer know where I'm coming from. Just say you'll wait. The summer sunsets always let me be me.

Hundreds of years in the future, there could computers looking for life on earth.

Say what you feel like, say how you feel. I'm wasting my time in this waiting line. I need to run around and quit being a slave to myself.

Worker bees can leave
drones can fly away
The queen is their slave

Everyone every sinner and every saint. Every lover who loved has scorned. Everybody knows that life can be wonderful. It's that soothing feeling and I smile because it is moving my life. Everyday every star in the sky. I'm feeling all alone, and until I find it I'll wait. I want to lay with you all through the night.

I had a....moment last night. I felt dead and exceptional in the same instant. Feeling dead can be a great feeling. I can't recommend it to everyone though. I think you have to be ready to feel first. Sometimes, I wonder, if my mind is getting to far out to exist. They haven't been talking as much lately, but moreover he has been coming out in references. I wonder where the water is this time of year. I've been in water in most of my life and never took the time to breath. What are you doing here? It's right over there, what you're looking for. Can't you see it? I am a fish with delusions of grandure. And the easiest part is; most everyone else is more deluded than I am. Just let me sit on this beach and think about it first. I just want to be left alone with the stars in the sky that change my mind.

The iris of you eye is always shaking

Friday, October 14

Whispered Cries For Love

It's a fleating feeling that I get when I see it coming toward me. More and more I see less and less; and it looks like I've lost my will to carry on. I need that blissful touch again. I have a feeling that I am going to be missing this for alot longer than I had thought. The only way we could start over is if we ran away. But to where? This is no time to be alone, but with whom would I share this agony? If only it were the way it was before. Just when I think my eyes are open I realize that I can't see anything. I'm keeping a closer watch on this heart than I realize. Now if you don't mind I'm going to walk this line of mine. Will I peer into the bounds and cross over? Only they know what I'm capable of. I guess I don't know that for sure, but I'm pretty sure I know what he is capable of so...anyway. To be right by your side through hell or water high. That's what I want but I don't anyone else to tell me, and I don't need any proof of it either

I don't think that society will ever dream like us. I want to cross over I don't know how, but I know that I don't want to have a hand in it. To somehow set my soul free. Give me the strength and the courage that I need to lift my body to that hill. I need to see the sunset just one last time, meditate with those palms on my face. I hate being surrounded by all these masqueraders, all hidding from themselves.

I was looking everywhere for you, believe by and by my intentions were good. I know I don't watch where I am walking even though I should. The quicksand of love will come between us, if you want just lay with me, we'll just let it silently speak. Anytime.

Sunday, October 9

I want to dance with you

All I can say is that this weekend was 16 tons

Don't tell me that none of you have ever been "that guy" at a party. Last night was my....third time I belive. I measure these things by your grace. This will be story for the watercooler, I can tell you that right now. We all have these stories coming from at least ONE time in our lives. So I think that it would be fair to say that I was blitzed this weekend.

I alone tempt you and I alone love you. In fact love's ridiculous. We spend all of our lives going out of our minds. Create and destroy Here's to those who stand up for love in spite of the hate. I've got a deathgrip on this vision, and I just need to move on. Just find my face and skip. I can't wait to find that person that wants to dance with me.

I couldn't take it anymore so I went back to the sea. Cause that's where fishes go when they get the sense to breath. Finally we can be together. Did you hear that? Devil's changing you already. To die? There will come a time. To tell you the truth I can see the sunset and I believe.

Monday, October 3

She leads a lonely life

It's a day for catching sun. Is this all that you want? So if you are outside and the day is right, she's the hunter and your the fox. Shes gonna get you.

All our times will come. Valentine is gone. Came home last night with sadness. I wish the curtains would fly open, then he could appear. I have hours only lonely to be. The only thing this wound shows is a light that I open to the eyes that wish to see. the source of the light is that which I would share if you would only ask. Before I would find a way

strichen vom tych vormen in shouck suka ver sen und soc to subaverta Sim salla bim bam bas ala duz ala dimba. und kin die eier
(no idea where that came from but it's fun to learn.

It's not that your pushing me it's that your shoving me. What are you looking at me for? you know I can't go

Celebrated Day of Birth
Hard lessons to learn and teach, but one who follows the clergy has that right. To watch him learn to fly, then see them learn from it. six feet deep will be the incision into hearts, all of which within her grasp.

Think twice

Welcome D20.

This is for your eyes alone. I wrote this down once for no apparent reason (that I could think of) I only ask that you attempt to answer it. Actually I dreamt of it and felt very compelled to write it down. Your mission, should you choose to accept it:

x^n + y^n = z^n
where N is greater than 2

This message will self destruct in 6-8 months

Dreams are answers to questions we haven't yet figured out how to ask.

voices tell me I should carry on. But what do they know? All they ever do is make educated guess at the right moments. So you can just stop talking.

Thursday, September 22

Ironicly enough

The perfecting ending to the best and worst day of the year. It was bad before 12 and it was bad after 12, but great in twain.

So it's a been only a day since I've posted. I notice that most don't talk this much on theirs. Oh well I like it alot.

This is going to be my last post for awhile I think. I need to concentrate on myself for a bit.

Svefn-G-Englar Sometimes I feel like a form without spirit. I think this hol is filled with my desperation.

Why stand when you can sit? - Winston Churchill

Wednesday, September 21

The Rising Sun

It's been the ruin of many poor boys, and god I know I'm one.

Ok so maybe it's been awhile or just a day since I posted last. But don't think for one second that you can get away with not commenting. I expect to see a comment from each and every two of you. Yes yes, I will need them before friday. Though I fear I will only get none. Oh mothers tell your sons, not to do what I have done. Then they will only end up at this institution with the same problems that I have. And we and all six of us know what problems I have. So maybe you don't know but that's between us. I wouldn't expect you to know what goes on in my head.

So life goes on I suppose. I guess I should say something to that effect. Oh why not? Everyone else is doing it. Well what ever you do with this info, be sure that it doesn't involve cutting down trees, cause man then I would just feel bad.

Every second we are alive, we are moving through time. I said that. So we could say that I am a time traveler. Along with all of you I suppose. that wasn't directed at you three.

So who here can say that they don't enjoy a good spinach salad?

But back to the point....hmmm. No need to worry I'm lost too. Oh right I wasn't saying anything. Well I do suppose that everyone sleeps sometime, and everyone includes the guy talking, so I'll talk to you guys later. Unless...there is anything you'd like to say? No? No one at all? Well ok then I suppose I'll see you all you tomorrow.

I wish you all intelligence, because luck runs out.

Tuesday, September 20


Come here,

I'm standing on the edge. I'm just loosed to a noose. it's no cause for concern. only the strong survive they say. only until...well maybe they're right. So let go, six feet under was my decision. The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had, says gary joules. But I didn't believe that. I thought that the dreams in which I had control were the best I'd ever had. it's too hard to find it. I don't want to look anymore. Don't listen to this, this guy is rambling. So what are you waiting for? Jump in. Don't let me stop you. You don't need to read this to know . all both of you know. And so it is just like you said it would be, said TBS. Only those who don't know will question it.

We'll forget about it; right? isn't that what you said. Colder than that. Always colder. Eyes off. did I say that I long for.... my mind off. Iceage/heatwave, can't complain. Said MM. Again those of you who don't know can ask. Though I'm sure with the only two who read this. the rest can....well they can hopefully read it. And though we're feeling. It's you. have you ever wondered why you do? part you. Angels that dance will surprise you. Shakin; not stirrin. Excuse me? too busy? I understand. It gains the more it gives. Such boundless pleasure, just twenty seconds to comply. ok I know that one of you should know where some of that came from. I did incorporate my own, but you still may recognize some stuff. and even if you don't I never you liked you anyway. Breakdown. Ready to bury your father and your mother? Distance from one unto another. What would you care if you lost the other? why would you talk to me about it? It's these little thing that can pull you under, but why let them stop you; just keep going down. Don't let yourself be controlled by forces other than yourself. My lungs are collapsing. All I know is what I've said. Everything in its right place, right guys?

Sunday, September 18

Answers to what

ok so a naked blonde walks into a bar with poodle under one arm and a two foot salami under the other, the bar tender turns to her and says, "well I suppose you won't be needing a drink." the naked blonde says,

iceage, heatwave can't complain. If the worlds that large why should I remain?

why buy the cow when you can have the sex for free?

I'm I coming in ok? Can you hear what I'm saying?

well when in rome

Moonlight chasers

summer is over too soon.

Let's settle down and move where palm trees grow

If love is a labor I'll slave til the end

what is it about life?

summer dress, freshman potatoe salad, thrilling threating thrusdays, come on, this nonsense, it's garbage day, franklin delanor romanowski, let me go, be yourself, swing, laugh, play, kids, it's no cause for concern, red X's, music, tied to a noose, say what you mean, expressions, smile, movies, come lay with me, green eyes, hell or water high, friends, the power to believe, the sunset, conversation, any road you choose to run, everyone else, perception, breathing, relaxing, wide eyed, every 3 minutes, truth, why you, bowl of fruit, dreams, the other person, cellar door, driving, fireworks, singing to self, self discussion, ghosts, drinking water, over- whelming urges, saturday evenings, sometimes at night, the cuddling afterwards, opinions, taking active intrest, very special, ice cream, you see it don't you, only for you, hearing my screams, will never be like you, killing time, bored, stop it, thanks to you, overbearing people, listening, fucked in the head, please take me with you, admit it, moving on, 2:00 am, having it good, faces of those people, interactions, eating green, a dream I had, breaking the mold, pissing in the mainstream, people like you, think before you speak, being drunk, motherfuckers, standing all alone, the ones who say I do, freaks, water you can't drink, voluntary baldness, hidden agendas, only because of me, all over you, because I can, learning, the obvious, the corner of an eye, god bless you, time and time again, mis-interpretions, I could care less, the season, death, fear of living on, dreams coming true, the good o'l days, things that happen only at school, mister perfect, the salmon of capastrono, agree to disagree, the reaper, wind sun rain, take my hand, cow bells, strings, fear, being like they are, it depends on who I'm talking to, where were you, simplicity, sanctity, oysters, don't be afraid, higher power, things that should not be, well of course, queer, religion for the night, stories to tell, my world is spinning, generalization, more than a feeling, mean it, starting the day, seperate ways, thumping heart, reactions, machines, giving up, the waiting room, depression, smiling laughter, posers, only those who know, why, welcome, stay the fuck away, can't bare to see, smoke alarms, peeing upside down, antics, life goes on

well not that that wraps it up or anything but I think you got the jist; if you have any questions feel free to talk to me after class.

someone had a question earlier I think; hmmm was it, was it you? You there in the back, what was your question?

So I'm chasing these doves down the street, and she's screaming at the top of her lungs. And then when the magician comes back from Europe two of them turn brown, well I followed the instructions. - Cosmo Kramer

Saturday, September 17

Eyes off

And so it ends, as if I never existed.

so this has been awhile. to tell you the truth my real inspiration for this particular is the only person that reads my blog. She put one up today so I feel I sh0uld. But it has been a few days and I should for myself.

Anyway, I'm going to SuFu today and I think I may go tomorrow. I can't wait to eat at HuHot it's gonna be great. And wow was I drunk last night. A word to the foolish don't start taking shots after you've already had 22 beers.

So here we are again; oooo I started writing my journal entries for comp II and I thought it would be hard since I already have two other places where my thoughts go. But I'm liking it alot, I can be a kid about it and it's great. I can just write about any damn thing and it's great. I think I'm really starting to like this writting stuff.

I would like to say a prayer for the one who taught me to fly. I'm not soaring yet. You have to stay cause we need you. I love you. 6 feet down is not an option. You're going to be great I know you will. We need to stop wasting time, it's still simple we can do it, but we both just won't until it starts.

water is such a gift

There are strange things done in the midnight sun.

I need something. To change, to happen, I don't know what but something

Thursday, September 8


Why can't we dream forever?

Do I really look like this? Maybe this picture is how I really look. Which might not be so bad since the guy in this picture at least looks normal. She says it's me, and she's right. That's her shirt. Wow at first I didn't even recognize this dude, but now I think I like the picture. It still doesn't look like me [to me] but I like that I don't recognize him. It makes me feel like I can change.

Anyway I haven't posted in awhile. I quickly forgot how much I have to do in a day, especially when I wake up no later than 10 AM. That certainly puts a restraint on the rest of my day; but really who here doesn't like to sleep in. And I don't think that it is possible to waste ones life, as long your heart is in it. Not that what everyone does is good, but you get the idea. So I've asked this before but no one answered; how are you? The world may never know.

So close your eyes while mother sings of the wonderful sights that be

Sunday, August 28

Society at it's best

So I got a credit card so I could build credit right. Once I got a 720/880 I figured that was good enough so I cancelled the card. Well apparently the CC company didn't see that way they kept it active but frozen so I couldn't use it, but it still collected fees (rewards and all that kind of small stuff) so now I, becuase I haven't payed a bill on a CC that I "didn't have anyway" my credit score is going to drop. I love Society.

Anyway enough complaints. How are you doing? I'm good, just listening to a little Moby. I'm a little excited for my English Comp II class I think that it will be...educational. no pun intendid.

wait I just thought of something funny/cheesy. Ok, so this guy sends in a list of ten puns to a comedic magazine. He later finds out that they didn't like them and that none of them made it, in fact not one pun in ten did. hahahaha. hmmmm ok enough.

Have you ever felt a pain so powerful so heavy you collapse?

So what's new, anything? This is never going to work if I don't start answering. Mabey someday I will have nothing but questions as a post. Answer questions with questions.

Everybody knows that Custer lost the battle at Little Big Horn, but what this book presupposes is...maybe he didn't. - Eli Cash

Friday, August 26

The Sanctity of Dreams

Well I've done it. This is my forum for my compendium of all my thoughts. Or not; maybe this will be my second and last post. Although I doubt it. I'm kind of excited for this. Now when I write I talk to myself, but now there is a slight chance of someone else reading it. Of course it slim, a chance never-the-less.

For those of you who don't know, I am a dreamer. At least... I think I am. But I think Descartes will back me up on that one. But he didn't really mean it in that context anway. Oh well not everyone will know that, so it's ok for me to put that in there. Hmmm ok well I'm going to get back to re-aranging my room I will talk to myself later I'm sure.

Tuesday, August 23


I want to wait until I can devote imginary time to this. Should be within a week or so