The Beauty of Gray

Only when the time is right. Who am I? How will I ever know if I always run for cover? I have been shown love at times throughout my life. Once it was new and couldn't be lived without. Then I was shown it like a dime-store hooker. I hope I'm there to see it when time and I shake hands and say goodbye.

The other day God looked down my throat and told me I was thirsty. You have the power to belive agian, He said. I just kept saying that I'd believe it when I saw it for myself. I don't need anyone to tell me about it. What is this energy that never left or came?

Naked lovers can feel the blood beneathe their veins. Electric nerves connect with tiny explosions in our minds. They feel like masters of their time and place. They live in a place seperate from the fears that we know. Maybe home is where the heart is given up to the One. Maybe. I wish something would break. I feel like I'm running out of time, and there is so much water in my lungs. From now on I'll have to keep a closer watch on this heart of mine. I find it far too easy to be true. I'm such fool. I suppose I should have been more true to myself instead of simply hopefull.

I need the gray area. It has to be within my grasp. If I Can't see it then what's the use? It's a crazy mixed world. I wouldn't have it any other way. Unless my way would fit. I'm filled with such irraputable enui. I can feel that rattlesnake again.

I was put on a shelf but I can only blame me for that. I felt I could handle being put back, but it's too much.

Cold silence has a tendancy to atrophy any sense of compassion between supposed lovers - JHK (MHK)

To be jung again

With insomnia you never worry about falling asleep, you worry about waking up. Emotions flood you. It's easy to let them overtake you. In fact it can sometimes be blissful Always too afraid to be weak, too proud to be strong. Somehow we have to make our own way in this pre-decided world we are bred into. It would be much more simple to let it flow. Once a question is posed it stops you from going back the way you came. For years it seems to fit and for years it seems to be broken. And through the years we all still seem to remain quintessentially ourselves. How does this work? Are we all this, jung? The key is not to care what people say and instead realize that they are all just as much apart of you as you are of them. Some in passing while others can be remembered with that smile.

We will always find ways of convincing ourselves that what we are doing is right. Can it be said that the more we KNOW the more confused we become? Imagine what you'll KNOW tomorrow. To read, to realize again and again a greater greater mind. I think I am getting closer to understanding meditation. I wish I could ask questions. But maybe it's better this way. I think that the secrets of samahdi may only be obtainable through self progress. Perhaps none of it can be taught. It seems to make sense that only the person can obtain their own spiritual enlightenment. The help of others' guidence is only an expression to the self that they are on the correct or incorrect path. This is, of course, useful to begin; but to continue the person must be devoted to learning and open to experience. The clouds are too easily tampered with. To learn that the storm will only cause enough destruction to allow what is bold to grow. This is something that all are faced with. It comes with it an unnerving attitude. It is difficult for anyone to search for themselves. But, to me it is even more frightening to stay locked in to what others have shifted me into.

Odd that it is easier to stay locked in a problem than try different solutions.

I have been wanting to talk to you for so long that I have, through the years and the mind, created a socially exceptable method of accquiring your services. This has only recently occured to me.